Poker face

Sometimes life gives or takes away more than it should. Hanging on to the past has nothing to do with change and progression, both personally and professionally. Not being able to let go of the past doesn't necessarily mean that it left a positive mark on you, but that you regret it. You regret it happened or you regret that it’s over. It is no shame to admit that you would like to go back there and continue or just want to experience it again, because it was good. It is worse when you preach about letting go and living in the present with your eyes on the future. This might make you a hypocrite without noticing. It could be forgiveable if you preach to the right person…one that should be able to see that you don’t preach because you try to convince others, but to convince yourself. I've seen this in many of the people that surround me, very close people, and it bugs me, because going out of the denial of not thinking about the past with some sort of remorse, might help improve mutual understanding and it might not make every conversation become a tornado of pain and confusion. Sometimes preaching to others doesn't work on convincing yourself. You should just admit it and say it out loud…”yes I would like to go there again and do that again or continue what I started”… But than again we are all different in expressing ourselves and maybe this is just me.

I generally regret not being able to share and be able to take some people with me in my luggage at this point. I also sometimes regret spending time and money on insignificant stuff that give me lightning pleasures.

My lucky day

After yesterday I was at the top of depression, today I tried to put myself together and start doing something instead of crying. Before going to bed I asked Marketa to cut off 3-4 cm from my hair. I did it because I had to cut it anyway, but also because this is good therapy for me. My other problem solving therapy is shopping, but since I don't have any money... I woke up thinking about home as usual, but I knew I had no time to start crying my eyes out, so I opened my e-mail fast to see if any good news will make my day brighter.

The accountant from school still didn't solve the problem with my money for rent, but I wasn't going to let this ruin my day...I acted quickly and sent her an e-mail explaining as best as I could that what I am saying is right and provable. I didn't wait for an answer, as I had to meet with Laura, my Romanian friend here, and go search for a job.

Our tour of the warehouses in the harbour was without success. We first went to a place we found on the internet, where they were suppose to hire people to wrap fruit. But to our surprise when we got there a man in a white gown covered with blood greeted us. We realised that it has nothing to do with fruit, but still we asked about a job. He smiled warmly and told us "we don't have any women working here...this is a slaughter house". The sound of that, sent shivers down my spine and when we turned, we saw a truck full of cows and one of them was sticking its head up...I realised that it was going to be someone’s dinner in a few days. We continued our job trip and ended up in a movie producing office. A big office, with lot of very posh looking people. Laura didn’t want to go, but I perused her. I knew we wouldn't find a job in there, but I was curious about what the offices looked like. We left convinced we aren't going to find anything. Still I was optimistic...today had to end well...I had that in my mind and it had to go according to plan. After crossing the city with our bikes we decided to head home. On my way home I met Marketa, who was just coming from school. I told her about my great adventure and we decided to go to another place where we knew there were some offices. Most of them had to do with cleaning and I knew about ISS (an international cleaning company). We went through each and every single one, but nothing. In the end we went in ISS. Of course at the beginning they said they don't have anything for us, but we can fill in a form and they will call us. I heard this a thousand times and was a bit disappointed that my day wouldn't be as great as I thought. But after we handed in the forms the lady asked us to wait for a few minutes and went in the back. Later a nice girl came and took us for an interview. In half an hour we were out with our new uniforms and a job contract for at least one month.

So, I will work together with Marketa in a school, everyday from 5 to 8 in the morning except weekends...cleaning. I will finally feel useful...and I will have monnnneeeeyyyyy. I hope that in this way I will come to peace with my cleaning obsession and maybe even start hating it.

Other things that made my day:

- I found a mobile phone

- I solved the problem with my money for rent

- I got an offer to join LSRS for some projects

- Alice returned

- I am going to a small party

Back to Aarhus

This Saturday I got back to Aarhus. My heart is not as opened as I hoped for this return. I found the same calm city I left behind... nothing new. The Christmas decorations have been taken away and also the financial crises seems to have arrived here too, because some stores have been closed and others have final sales, which means they are going to be closed soon.

I have a new room, Mara's room. I moved the furniture before leaving because I wanted to find it nice and not depressing. Not that it worked but, at least I don't feel like I'm leaving in a hallway.

Now I’m waiting for school to start and hoping to find a job. I feel useless and I have a lot of time I'm just loosing by sitting and doing nothing...just getting depressed. Right now...I am not happy.