Coming back to Bucharest also meant a come back to a lot of what "it used to be". The difference now was that what I used to have did not fit to what I was feeling anymore. I tried doing new things and continue others from where I left them, but it just didn't feel right. As a result, after a strong inside war and aggressive reactions I now feel sorry for, I managed to cut some strings. It is extremely difficult for me to stop talking to people and my reactions prove my struggle to convince myself that this is what I have to do.
I realized most of these things only after actually listening to other people, and trying a bit of the personal development practices that are out there. I am still afraid of going in very deep, but what satisfied me and gave me trust, because I never felt the words "in my face", is Lise Bourbeau's methods. She is the founder of the Canadian school of Personal Development...a very trendy new wave.
"Listen to your body" is based on the 5 wounds (rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal and injustice) that we all have within us, and the acknowledgment of the 5 masks (withdrawal, dependence, masochism, control, rigidity) that they bring to life when activated. The wounds are created from the moment of conception till you are about 7 years old. After that, whenever a person or an action that you come across in your life subconsciously takes you back to something that happened in your development period, your wound is activated and your mask comes up. That's when you stop being yourself and react as some would say a mental person.
When I first got her book I was actually afraid to read it, so I just skimmed it. The first mask I found myself under was rigidity. I do look for perfection and I am afraid of injustice. The wound is created in your relationship with the same sex parent...I never went further to discover when and why...but from the reactions that this mask determines, I am fully there. The bad part is that when I feel injustice towards me I become a bit aggressive and accuse people of not being responsible enough. I also tend to say "yes" when I mean "no" or force myself to smile even if I don't feel like it. These are just a small part of the phrases I saw myself reflected in. I am sure that a lot of the people I know or knew can say that this is right. I was happy to think that this was it...this is not that bad and anger is part of our system. The only thing is that I am a lot more aggressive, and by reading a bit more I have to accept that I also have a wound created by the opposite sex parent and that wound is betrayal.
I acknowledged it after attending a seminar this week and looking back at my quick reply to "what do you hate most in others?" - LIE. After reading the description of my newly acknowledged mask I saw myself as a control freak....especially in my relationships...all of them. I do get cocky, I do become aggressive, I do lose my patience very fast and I do feel like I must have the last word. It is not easy to say it...at all...especially for someone who's other mask looks for perfection.
This is an important step....now I have to try and fix them they say, and this is where things get complicated.
It was easier of course to recognize a lot of the people I know/knew in these masks. You would be amazed how easy it is to get that person's image in your head as you go through the reactions an activated wound has. I guess that after seeing yourself so easily reflected in a list of ugly things you do to other people, it's not that easy to move on. I do not feel depressed, I might feel ashamed after seeing my reflection there. Still I kinda like my wounds...I just have to find a way to ware out my aggressive vision towards life.
If you are not afraid of finding out a bit about the skeletons in your personal closet, then I recommend that you skim, not necessarily read - Heal Your Wounds & Find Your True Self by Lise Bourbeau. It is childish to think that you do not have any of these things, try it...go through it alone and offer yourself a moment to think. The answer will come to your mind...it's just a matter of accepting it or not. She has a lot of other good books I would recommend, but try at least this one.