I'm in total chaos and it's not good. As Alex said - my external obsession for order is the reverse image of the chaos in my mind. I'm in confusion, without control. Things happen too fast around me and I don't know how to react towards them. It's like I'm in a roller coaster, going up and down and unable to stop the hops. I need a moment of silence and I wish the world could freeze for a second so I can look at everybody and try to find myself within them. I need somebody to tell me that everything is ok…and that somebody can only be me. I don't know who to trust and I don't know if I'm having fun and living or just going on in a critical routine. I need to find myself and start believing in me...I should probably stop trying to view myself as others do and try setting myself free...even if this means changing my ways and becoming extremely selfish...worse then I am now. If I could leave the only person I felt good around from time to time I can probably also loose all the extra feelings and thoughts I get from the ones around me. I don't know what friends are for and why we need them, other that satisfying our own selfish needs (laughing, joking, going out, telling them what's bothering us and what's making us happy...in one word relaxing)...and if friends are a good excuse for being selfish that why shouldn't I be like that all the way and stop trying to find solutions for them and think about what they do and why. I am probably a fake person just because I'm saying these things but I'm tired of feeling...in vain.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Wacky weekend
I had a very wacky weekend at it isn't over yet.
1st - Friday
Work as usual...it might sound boring but it isn't actually for me - it makes such a difference when you are working somewhere you like and not just waking up every morning to go to your same old boring job :D Oh yeah...the nice part about Friday was that I had a slumber party with my sister and Cata and her sisters over at her house...I was extremely tired but we hung out and had a funny Friday evening with nail polish, food, ice cream, make up, movies and Saturday Night Live :)
2nd - Saturday
I went to driving school after not a full night of sleep :)...and hmmm I drove pretty well even if I was tired. I really enjoy driving I think I'm gonna be a race car driver when I grow up. After that I went to the mall with Ana because...we had to make reservations for...tattoos :D Surprisingly I really did it this time too, I still have time to make up my mind but I won't cause it's sweet and it will make me feel sweet :)Then we went through the desert like weather, and we walked in the sun like two snakes crawling to find shadow…I could actually feel my feet burning on the pavement..we sat for a nice freshly squeezed juice at Green Hours and than returned to her house...where surprise I got sick because of the sun. So in a brilliant moment of absolute smartness I puked. Ana had to work so she took me home where I slept for...a lot of hours...
3rd - Sunday
A day full of nothing
1st - Friday
Work as usual...it might sound boring but it isn't actually for me - it makes such a difference when you are working somewhere you like and not just waking up every morning to go to your same old boring job :D Oh yeah...the nice part about Friday was that I had a slumber party with my sister and Cata and her sisters over at her house...I was extremely tired but we hung out and had a funny Friday evening with nail polish, food, ice cream, make up, movies and Saturday Night Live :)
2nd - Saturday
I went to driving school after not a full night of sleep :)...and hmmm I drove pretty well even if I was tired. I really enjoy driving I think I'm gonna be a race car driver when I grow up. After that I went to the mall with Ana because...we had to make reservations for...tattoos :D Surprisingly I really did it this time too, I still have time to make up my mind but I won't cause it's sweet and it will make me feel sweet :)Then we went through the desert like weather, and we walked in the sun like two snakes crawling to find shadow…I could actually feel my feet burning on the pavement..we sat for a nice freshly squeezed juice at Green Hours and than returned to her house...where surprise I got sick because of the sun. So in a brilliant moment of absolute smartness I puked. Ana had to work so she took me home where I slept for...a lot of hours...
3rd - Sunday
A day full of nothing
Oh no...I actually will!!!
In about 56 days starting today I will be on an airplane above Bucharest…where to?!...it's simple...to my new life. It will be something like - my life without me...except I will not be dead but gone :). My friends and family will still be here, carrying on with their lives while I will be remembered and talked about from time to time. While my life will continue in Bucharest through other peoples words I will be away, on the other side of Europe, in the North to be exact, trying to tell and continue my life in other languages.
Am I scared?!...hell yes I am. I get the same feeling every time I board on a plane and I am going to get it now too…for sure. I will most likely feel sad and lonely for a couple of days because I won't know anybody, and I will be tired and confused. But then I get to personalize my space :D and start finding people that suit me or which at least could be changed by me to be like me, maybe that's why God made humans by his own image, because he was felling lonely and frustrated in this new place he started hanging over :P
At the moment I'm just getting spiritually ready to see my new room, my new friends and get new habits. Fingers crossed for me :D
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