R.I.P.

Yesterday I found my little white mousy dead. I am sorry this happened she was very sweet. I think the hot weather killed her because she was a snow Siberian hamster. She bit me yesterday morning when I went to work, I think she was really sad and sick or something like that. I just hope the boy will not die too...This is my second mouse that dies…anyway the first one was a rat...but I shouldn't probably buy any rodens in the future though I really like them. Snifers!

Lolita - the she-devil

I started rereading my favorite book after I saw the movie for 50 times till now - Lolita by Vladimir Nabukov. I don't know what attracts me most about this story - the way Humbert describes the innocent body of a young girl or the fact that I would like to be one of his so imagined nymphets. The lust and power the book sends out is greater than the action presented in any love, action, romance etc. movie or book. It is unique in the way it makes you read more and more wishing to be Humbert and feel the ultimate feeling of forbidden love. The girls are described like goddesses and it makes you wish you'd be one of Humbert's sins...you'd be a fragile Lolita. I always felt attracted to forbidden and impossible love stories and even I have my own innocent sin. A sin which haunts me and which I can't explain or talk about.

I find peace and relaxation in this book as it makes me feel free and special. It makes me forget all the bad experiences and helps me puke all my memories like a bad vertigo feeling. The fact that it talks about impossible, unexacting love, that ends in a bad way proves that I am attracted to such "happy" endings.

I recommend the book to anyone searching for what lust means.

Chaos

I'm in total chaos and it's not good. As Alex said - my external obsession for order is the reverse image of the chaos in my mind. I'm in confusion, without control. Things happen too fast around me and I don't know how to react towards them. It's like I'm in a roller coaster, going up and down and unable to stop the hops. I need a moment of silence and I wish the world could freeze for a second so I can look at everybody and try to find myself within them. I need somebody to tell me that everything is ok…and that somebody can only be me. I don't know who to trust and I don't know if I'm having fun and living or just going on in a critical routine. I need to find myself and start believing in me...I should probably stop trying to view myself as others do and try setting myself free...even if this means changing my ways and becoming extremely selfish...worse then I am now. If I could leave the only person I felt good around from time to time I can probably also loose all the extra feelings and thoughts I get from the ones around me. I don't know what friends are for and why we need them, other that satisfying our own selfish needs (laughing, joking, going out, telling them what's bothering us and what's making us happy...in one word relaxing)...and if friends are a good excuse for being selfish that why shouldn't I be like that all the way and stop trying to find solutions for them and think about what they do and why. I am probably a fake person just because I'm saying these things but I'm tired of feeling...in vain.