My first week back in the system after the wonderful Scandinavian adventure. It wasn't one of my best weeks, but I learned some good lessons about life. Going back to school was a bit weird because I didn't miss it so much...it was great last week because I didn't have any worries and now I had to get back on track and start reading and worst of all...thinking. On the emotional side I felt some ups and downs...changes and losses which will maybe contribute in time to my process of getting wiser.
On Wednesday, October 22nd, I found out that my grand grand mother passed away. It was a tragic loss for my soul. I knew this was going to happen while I would be away but I didn't want it to happen. The night she passed away I had a dream of her and when I woke up I felt that I was going to get the sad news sooner or later. I had a dream that I was little...just like in the old days when I used to spend my holidays at the country side. I pictured her in my dream as I remember her back from those days. She was feeling good and she had the same strong figure she had during her whole life. She was 94 and was begging for God to take her away for a few years now. I am glad in a away her suffering stopped, but I am sad because I feel like apart of me died together with her. I resemble to her physically a lot. I have her noes...which till now I hated and wanted to change through plastic surgery :)....through her loss I understood my roots and my faith...my feelings changed completely and I feel that this is what still bounds me to her. The saddest is that in the past years, when she was no longer as connected with the real world as she used to be, she always recognised me and was happy when I went to visit. She called me .. “my little girl”...hugged me and kissed me. Maybe the dream I had just the night she passed away was her goodbye to me. I wasn't shocked to find out about her death but I was extremely sad...Though I don't believe in God and Heaven and Hell, I believe in that everybody has a soul which travels around us and goes into the people surrounding us in some amount at some moment in life. I hope that her soul found its right place and that she will keep guarding me as I will always have her in my memory as a never lasting figure of a strong woman.
The same day I found out that my friend, Ileana, has given birth on the 18th of October to a beautiful baby boy. This compensated my sad feelings and made me melt into a confusing rollercoster of emotional joy and sadness.
That evening we went to sauna, our new twice a week habit, and relaxed and had my thoughts and feelings straighted up. I guess there is no need for being sad when you realize that the natural cycle of life goes around just in front your eyes.I should be happy I met such a great person and I had the honor of having her as my grand grand mother. Not many people get to see their roots in their life, live with them, have memories and share a part of their soul not just out of respect but out of real parental love.
The next day I couldn't go to school, it was the day of her funeral. Not being there is difficult for me but I managed to relief my stress by doing what I always do in these tight circumstances...clean. I cleaned my room to the extreme..I washed my windows, vacuumed and cleaned the floor just as I was imagining the burial process, the priest and her coffin going deep into the ground. I can't wait to get home and go there...light a candle and sit in her little cottage...the cottage I used to stay in when I was little and watch from the window during winter people passing on the street and waiting for my grandmother to come home and bring me something sweet. I can't wait to feel the smell of that house again and remember the little kittens which I was allowed to bring in whenever I wanted. I learned something interesting in school today about pictures that are amazing once you understand their ability of getting one particular moment in time and make it unforgeable and representative for you whole life, but also the life of the ones that come after you as a legacy of time. My picture legacy from my grand grand mother is her wedding picture and a picture of me and her from when I was little, just like in my dream.
Today...my worries are away. At the begging I wanted to keep the traditional black clothing and other death rituals we have at home, but than I decided not to because this would probably get me depressed. Today I had a little party with the girls. We made pancakes, drank wine and watched a movie, August Rush. The movie was great, I haven't seen it before, but it's very girlish and emotional. It is like a farytale you would like to have in your life but know that will never happen. I also managed to throw the pancake in air and catch it back with the pan :)...I'm proud of myself because it succeed from my first try. It was a jolly way to end a tragic week. Staying with the girls more and watching their behaviour and reactions I realised that people are the same no matter where you go in this world. Being from the same country and having common roots makes people become closer even if they don't share the same ideas and beliefs. Everybody misses and becomes proud of their place of birth and their country when they are way and try to share and explain the others their feelings. It's something that you can't understand unless you live it or see it in front of your eyes. When you miss home you find it through pictures, smells and feelings which you think you cannot find anywhere else in the world...maybe because you become blinded by your stuborn wish to show the world that you are different and you don't belong in the great, general mixture and natural understanding that we are all humans and we act and react the same no matter where we were born. All these civilisation clashes are difficult to sattle and stop because they go beyond human understading and pride. Tomorrow it's general cleaning day...